The common saying “you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself” suggests a straightforward link between self-esteem and relationship satisfaction. A recent review by Professor Joanne Wood at the University of Waterloo and several collaborators across North America, challenges this simple notion, showing that self-esteem influences relationships through a complex chain of psychological and behavioral effects.
Self-esteem describes a person’s overall evaluation of themselves. While traditional research has found modest links between high self-esteem and relationship satisfaction, these studies typically overlook the deeper, indirect ways that self-esteem shapes romantic relationships. Read More
Wood and her colleagues argue that self-esteem affects relationships through a series of interconnected processes, beginning with trust – the expectation that a partner will be caring and responsive.
People with lower self-esteem tend to have lower trust. Compared to people with higher self-esteem, they doubt their partner’s love more, even in long-term relationships. Because of these doubts about their partner’s love, people with lower self-esteem are more likely to misinterpret ambiguous situations as signs of rejection. Studies show that individuals with lower self-esteem underestimate how positively their partners see them and tend to react more negatively to conflict or to feeling hurt. For example, they often blame themselves when things go wrong, experience heightened stress responses, and withdraw emotionally, whereas those with higher self-esteem seek connection after conflict or hurt feelings.
Wood’s review suggests that these differences in perception and emotional responses lead to distinct behavioral patterns. People with lower self-esteem are less likely to openly share their thoughts and feelings with their partners. When they do, they often express more worry, sadness, or anger, which can push their partners away. They may also seek support in indirect ways, such as guilt-tripping or complaining, which often backfires and results in less support.In contrast, individuals with higher self-esteem engage in more positive social behaviors, such as expressing affection, giving compliments, and providing emotional support. When they are hurt, people with lower self-esteem tend to withdraw or react angrily, whereas people with higher self-esteem seek greater connection.
Over time, these patterns contribute to either downward spirals – where negative behaviors lead the partner to behave negatively, which reinforces dissatisfaction – or to upward spirals – where positive behaviors lead the partner to respond more positively, which in turn strengthens relationship bonds. Wood’s research challenges the idea that simply improving self-esteem will lead to better relationships. Instead, interventions may be more effective if they target specific links in the self-esteem cascade, such as helping individuals recognize when they are misinterpreting their partner’s actions or teaching healthier ways to seek support. By understanding the psychological and behavioral mechanisms at play, couples and therapists can develop more effective strategies to build and maintain healthy, satisfying relationships.
